Today I feel that I don't "want" my lover anymore, but I love him so much that he is the only reason for my existence, Im sorry Mom and Dad but this is the truth, since no one cares for me more than him, he made me feel love and secure, his arms became the craddle of my loneliness, his shoulders the resting place of my tears... as I said before I could never love anyone as much as I love you and Im still saying it up till now... I love you... but even though I love you this much, why do I feel that I'm resenting you and there is this heavy weight upon my heart, like a gate that is holding back all these emotions, is it because I put you above everything else, is it because things and love that I should have given to myself was directed towards you, I sacrifice a lot in order to love you, Its not your fault its mine.
I love you over all, I miss everything about you and yet I feel that I don't miss you, I like my situation right now, I love the "single" feeling after all these years I feel free from you, but I don't wanna be free I don't wanna feel like that... I wanna feel that I need you, I wanna feel the sincerity of my love... or am I too afraid to let go of all of those years?
Your not the perfect little angel that everyone thinks of you have look the other way most of the time, you left and neglected me and sometimes I don't feel love (Quite the contradiction to my first lines) I don't feel love because I don't believe that you love me, everytime your other lover leaves you, you always come back to me? And why do I let this happen, am I this low to let you do this to me... And now that you've change, I don't feel the sincerity of you love anymore can you blame me? I cannot make a new start, I can't forgive and forget, especially if I can't forgive myself for being this pathetic...
I love you, I love you, I love you and I love you more....
but I have to love myself... I will weight things out before I go back and if my resolve is strong enough maybe I can set things right for myself, be with you or be with myself.... I love you and I love you....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Yeah I'm Gay, Bakla ako! Bayot
Sabi nila Gay folks are good in words, writing, composing... traits that are related to us people who are part of the so called third sex... pero hindi yata ako na ambunan ng galing sa pagsusulat, I'm not even a good speaker, my communication skills sucks. In short para lang akong isang gumamela na magandang tignan pero walang bango. Atleast maganda ako he he he.... walang kokontra.
Being Gay is hard, Ayaw ko ngang gamitin ang salitang gay, bakla,bayot, bading para kasing deragatory term ito to belittle a person, parang panlalait sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman hiningi. Ever since pagkabata lagi na lang nila akong binabansagan na bakla ( I tried to write that sentence in english para naman impressive pero di kinaya ng powers ko). I feel bad lagi kong gustong umiyak, for me being bakla is being weak, helpless isama mo pa ung image ni roderick paulate doing drag at aatungal na talaga ako sa iyak. I've never tried to be masculine, In fact I accepted my weaknesses, lampa talaga ako pagdating sa pisikal. Ni-minsan hindi ko sinubukang makipag suntukan, ganon ata talaga... wala na akong magagawa don. A few years past by at nag highschool ako, don ko mas lalong narealize ang kaibahan ko sa ibang tao both girls and boys... Minsan feel kong maging girl, minsan feel ko ding maging boy... he he he ang kulit no? Dito sa puntong to ng buhay nagsimulang mamuo ang takot sa puso ko, Natakot ako kasi baka hindi ako maaccept ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I tried to fight my feelings, everytime that I would see my crush back then, I would imagine flying daggers going straight to my heart to kill the emotions, this "abnormal" emotions na nararamdaman ko. It works mentally, hanggang sa dumating ung point na pakiramdam ko asexual na ako, kasi I don't find attractions to both sexes na, that's when I decided na It's better this way...
Ayaw kong bigyan ng kahihiyan ang sarili ko at higit sa lahat ang pamilya, although never naman silang naging 100% para suportahan ako, sasabihin nila they care for me, I believe that they really mean it but due to circumstances na pinilit ko na lang intindihin hindi ko na sila masisisi. Siguro ngayon masasabi ko na ako ang nag alaga sa sarili ko all my life, all the values, morals and ethics that I have right now I owe it to myself, experience is a bitter teacher I have to learn everything the hard way... Im thankful, pero sometimes na isip ko na sana may easier way,. parang pagiging gay sana madali...
College life, I started to change, nagsuot na ko ng maskara by this time kailangan kong ikubli ang sarili ko until makatapos ako go to some far away land at iladlad kung anumang kalandian at kabaklaan meron ako... gusto kong maging AKO!!! Pero hindi din nag work out he he he, I feel lonely although may mga friends ako, iba pa rin ung you have someone to lean on, Nabanggit ko ba na I've been leaving alone since elementary days... minsan may guardian minsan wala, siguro breaking point na din sakin yon, parang naramdaman ko yata na i want to have someone na who will be there for ME, akin lang, sa kanya ko ibubuhos lahat ng pagmamahal na kinikimkim ko, but wait hindi sya babae gusto ko lalake, he he he....
Being Gay is hard, Ayaw ko ngang gamitin ang salitang gay, bakla,bayot, bading para kasing deragatory term ito to belittle a person, parang panlalait sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman hiningi. Ever since pagkabata lagi na lang nila akong binabansagan na bakla ( I tried to write that sentence in english para naman impressive pero di kinaya ng powers ko). I feel bad lagi kong gustong umiyak, for me being bakla is being weak, helpless isama mo pa ung image ni roderick paulate doing drag at aatungal na talaga ako sa iyak. I've never tried to be masculine, In fact I accepted my weaknesses, lampa talaga ako pagdating sa pisikal. Ni-minsan hindi ko sinubukang makipag suntukan, ganon ata talaga... wala na akong magagawa don. A few years past by at nag highschool ako, don ko mas lalong narealize ang kaibahan ko sa ibang tao both girls and boys... Minsan feel kong maging girl, minsan feel ko ding maging boy... he he he ang kulit no? Dito sa puntong to ng buhay nagsimulang mamuo ang takot sa puso ko, Natakot ako kasi baka hindi ako maaccept ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I tried to fight my feelings, everytime that I would see my crush back then, I would imagine flying daggers going straight to my heart to kill the emotions, this "abnormal" emotions na nararamdaman ko. It works mentally, hanggang sa dumating ung point na pakiramdam ko asexual na ako, kasi I don't find attractions to both sexes na, that's when I decided na It's better this way...
Ayaw kong bigyan ng kahihiyan ang sarili ko at higit sa lahat ang pamilya, although never naman silang naging 100% para suportahan ako, sasabihin nila they care for me, I believe that they really mean it but due to circumstances na pinilit ko na lang intindihin hindi ko na sila masisisi. Siguro ngayon masasabi ko na ako ang nag alaga sa sarili ko all my life, all the values, morals and ethics that I have right now I owe it to myself, experience is a bitter teacher I have to learn everything the hard way... Im thankful, pero sometimes na isip ko na sana may easier way,. parang pagiging gay sana madali...
College life, I started to change, nagsuot na ko ng maskara by this time kailangan kong ikubli ang sarili ko until makatapos ako go to some far away land at iladlad kung anumang kalandian at kabaklaan meron ako... gusto kong maging AKO!!! Pero hindi din nag work out he he he, I feel lonely although may mga friends ako, iba pa rin ung you have someone to lean on, Nabanggit ko ba na I've been leaving alone since elementary days... minsan may guardian minsan wala, siguro breaking point na din sakin yon, parang naramdaman ko yata na i want to have someone na who will be there for ME, akin lang, sa kanya ko ibubuhos lahat ng pagmamahal na kinikimkim ko, but wait hindi sya babae gusto ko lalake, he he he....
yadda dada yadda
I read a lot of blogs before, some of them were interesting some of them are not but the one thing that fascinates me most about those bloggers is their passion to express themselves with words. Like giving a part of them to their readers. Sharing their own life and interests to strangers without feeling vulnerable.
Ako gusto ko ding mag blog, not because I want to share my life, but to find an outlet to express thoughts and feelings that I cannot share to another person. Because I'm afraid to be judge and I don't want to expose too much of myself to those people around me...
Being honest on what you are and what you want takes guts... and Im not that kind of person, But I hope by blogging I can atleast ease and release some of my issues...
Happy Blogging to me...
Notes: I'm not good with grammars, verb and noun relationships or whatever those things are I'll just write what's in my mind... bahala na kayong mga Grammar Nazis sa buhay nyo... I do not do this for your entertainment... Kayo na nakikibasa libre naman to wag na lang kayong mag reklamo... he he he...
Ako gusto ko ding mag blog, not because I want to share my life, but to find an outlet to express thoughts and feelings that I cannot share to another person. Because I'm afraid to be judge and I don't want to expose too much of myself to those people around me...
Being honest on what you are and what you want takes guts... and Im not that kind of person, But I hope by blogging I can atleast ease and release some of my issues...
Happy Blogging to me...
Notes: I'm not good with grammars, verb and noun relationships or whatever those things are I'll just write what's in my mind... bahala na kayong mga Grammar Nazis sa buhay nyo... I do not do this for your entertainment... Kayo na nakikibasa libre naman to wag na lang kayong mag reklamo... he he he...
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